[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Social Media and Real life
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.