LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Hmmmmm
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.