Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.