Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Trying
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name