I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Simple enough.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”