Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Sending in my taxes
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
(Electricians.)
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.