technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.