[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?