Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom