I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.