7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.