Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Anyone really
I don’t get marriage
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen