Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids