[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
You Might Also Like
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
this makes me so uncomfortable
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.