Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
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The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.