Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.