[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’ve had relationships like this