Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better