Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.