Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.