Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling