If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
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Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
That’s it.I’m out.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*