An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
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I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Who says great literature is dead?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.