The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
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pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
The happy life.. 😊
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The future is now.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash