Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?