I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”