Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Childbirth is so beautiful
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I’ve had relationships like this
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*