the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Coffee is ready.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
This one’s “Alex”.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.