My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)