If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.