If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?