My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
2 years later
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you