If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
They’re on their honeymoon
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
one of
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?