Proofread twice, hang posters once
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
philosophical skeletons be like
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Saturday
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.