I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…