me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂