Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
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I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do