I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are