“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.