“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Anyone really
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.