power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
You Might Also Like
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.