What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
How I’d get arrested…
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers