If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
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Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”