Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Sticker placement is key.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
nyc:
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.