inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
superman landing like a plane on his belly
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO