Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me