Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
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I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Duck typos.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.