Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower