Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
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While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.