does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why